Shop At Forever 21
You've loved it for so long you've forgotten who it's for - you - but the you of 10 years ago. This version of you had no money, no ability to dress for the weather, and no idea who you actually wanted to attract (hello, "walks of shame").
Fight On Social Media
If Amber and Khloe have taught us anything, it is this: no one wants to be Amber and Khloe. Fighting with your friends, coworkers, hell, even acquaintances is bad enough, and, if there is to be justice in the world, sometimes a woman needs to get her wave on. That being said: one does not need to make catty remarks on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or anywhere other than directly to the offender's face. Your "some people don't know when to give up" comment on your foe's FB pic with her ex may have struck you as veiled nastiness but let's be real: you're not fooling anyone. Plus, you're airing your dirty laundry in public. Leave the fighting to the professionals: like Kanye and Tay Swift.
'Leaning in' has finally become part of the working woman's vernacular. While unequal pay and seemingly endless amounts of disadvantages continue to thwart the efforts of women everywhere, we must do our part. Being a boss is never the same as being a bitch (not automatically anyway).
Use Abrevs Instead Of Actual Words
It's been the 'ushe' in other words, "usual", for years and let's face it, you enjoyed it. We all did. Chopping up words until they didn't make a bit of sense. This may have been "adorbs" at 25 (or maybe it was grating and irritating, who's to say) but now that you want to be taken seriously, as an actual adult, you'll need to use actual words to get there.
Brag About Secondary School
Sure it's great to reminisce, and occasionally we're compelled to look back (FB timelines have rendered a complete break impossible), but there are limits. Your thirties are for those big life changes, reaping the career rewards from all those thankless years of hard work. You were on the netball team in school, impressive, but reliving that tired territory gets you nowhere. Your recent exploits should be more than enough to amuse the crowd.
Eating McDonalds On Public Transport
Okay, frankly, you should never be eating on the public transport, ever. Yet somehow it used to be less shame-inducing. In any event, licking grease off your fingers and picking assorted condiments out of your hair is unacceptable. Let's call it a day and say the scarfing of chicken nuggets and other humiliating forms of fast food are over.
Broadcast Inane Political Views
"Oh, your status says David Cameron sucks - that totally changes my entire outlook." Said no one, ever. An in-depth discussion on the NHS, a spirited commentary on immigration, etc., these conversations are essential for some of us, and you're well within your rights to initiate such a conversation with anyone who will listen. This, however, does not entitle you to randomly bash a candidate or a political party without context. The adage: "if you don't have something smart to say, don't say anything at all" comes to mind.
Ignore at your peril - just don't be surprised when your friends list thins and you are left with a regular stream of people unfollowing you.
Behave Like A Princess
Disney be damned, we were not and never will be princesses. And that lovely 'never never land' where you genuinely believed someone else would change your sheets and pay off your credit card has been reclaimed by its rightful owners (fairies, mermaids, Peter Pan and other equally absurd flights of fancy). Time to take responsibility for the self-care and maintenance you managed to successfully avoid. Granted this may be tough at first, and anticipate some backsliding, but the future you will thank you for turning in your tiara.
Start Getting Tattoos
You're already tatted out and itching to get your 8th permanent mark behind your left ear. Go for it! You have already expressed, physically, that tattoos are important to you. And, most significantly, you began your ink odyssey when you were young enough to truly enjoy and make the most of your total lack of restraint. No one wants to see a 30-something strolling into the tattoo parlor ready to 'try something new'. You are now a fully-fledged adult and if you've made it this far without one, there is no compelling reason to start.
Use Botox For Preventive Purposes
Frankly, this one is just cray. You should not be the only lady at brunch who can express facial outrage after being overcharged for a Mai Tai. Too many fresh-faced thirty year olds have started Botox injections - just in the "problem areas" of course. Wherever those are. Truth: You start too early and you're gonna have face freeze and that look just ain't hot.