1. Don’t touch my face. I’ve been up with you for over an hour. We’re not friends.
2. I’m changing your poopy butt. I should be crying.
3. Stop flapping your arms, you crazy-ass bird baby.
4. This is why daddy wants to drive into the ocean.
5. Ugh… don’t forget about this when you’re a teenager.
6. Stop biting me! You’re an animal!
7. Stop kicking your legs. I swear I’ll get duct tape.
8. Do you see anyone else laughing? It’s like you’re on drugs. I want some drugs…
9. Normal people don’t rub boogers on their face. You’re the worst roommate ever.
10. Don’t suck there. I’m not built for that.
11. You were asleep!! You were asleep!! You! Were! Asleep!!
12. The stupid binky stays in your stupid mouth.
13. Your diaper smells like apricots. What the hell is going on?
14. This is why you don’t have any friends.
15. I cuddle with you, and you push me away. I set you down, and you cry. You’re as confusing as your mother.
16. Just tell me what you want! Not everything is a secret.
17. Stop being cute. No one is cute right now. Go the f*%k to sleep.
18. Why are you smiling? Now I’m smiling. I hate that we are smiling.