It’s Sunday morning, and you’re pretty sure your life has never been worse. Your head feels like it’s gonna explode (just like the contents of your stomach already did), and you know you’re gonna have to make a bunch of apologies for stuff you don’t even remember. How do you fix all these problems? By making a bunch of promises to yourself, all of which you’ll probably break by lunchtime.

Mornings are all about making these hungover promises, and nights are all about breaking them. Here’s a refresher course on your failures of self-control:

Part 1

  1. “I’m finally going to the gym…right after I eat this whole pizza.”

  2. “I’ll never mix beer and _______ again.”

  3. “It’s time I tell my dad I love him.”

  4. “I’m only puking in my own toilet from now on.”

  5. “I’m gonna really try to win my ex back, but first I’m gonna apologize for that booty text.”

  6. “I’m joining a religion that won’t let me do this to myself.”

  7. “My mouth is now a Jäger-free zone.”

  8. “Today, I start my novel.”

  9. “I’ll get my job back somehow.”

  10.  “This is my last hangover ever.”


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